Your Babies first Poo is not what you think. Stand by to be shocked.

WTF! How is anyone supposed to know how this works? It’s an advanced origami process in itself. This is Ninja level 10 type stuff. Unless you are into some very warped sexual practices in which you enjoy Madam Blam, brandishing a red hot poker as you wreath around in an adult nappy, this is another blind spot for the bloke with no brain. I was in trouble again.

Nick nack nappy wack

A flap here, fold here, adjust there, oops, wrong way round. Turn it the other way, fold that bit in, roll up your trouser leg, dance on one leg, whistle dixie whilst you’re at it and you’re done. On the ‘you’re a dick and you know nothing about babies’ training course, a volunteer limped through this but we didn’t get hands on. I am flying blind.

Yes family and friends have babies but being frank, I’m not comfortable as a chap to get about someone else’s working parts. It’s not cricket, stump or not. So my hand goes up, I have never ever changed a nappy. Today was Training Day and I was Denzel Washington. Hey, if Idris Elba can be Bond….*

Golden Shower

I had the suspicion that Gampy had delivered a mini tinkle and I was at the ‘stern’ end when it happened. I knew a change had to be administered, I just wasn’t sure how to put a nappy back on once its off. Like emptying all your rounds on your SLR, if you don’t know how to change your mag, you are kind of shafted. Then it hit me.

Right in the face

Standing dripping, I actually started laughing. Deb was pissing herself too, though she had the decency to keep it via the catheter. The long and the short of it, this was a hilarious moment. A huge laugh out loud situation that further galvanised the greatness of this journey.

Ohh Nurse

I will concede though, I needed help again and luckily the Goose to my Maverick appeared and showed me the ropes. This however was a double Whammy as the gates of hell had opened once again.

Gampy delivered a double bubble and I would like to think for comedic purposes, she let rip again. Think of any crap comedy film ( probably featuring Buster Keaton ), when someone switches off the water, only for the stooge to look down the end of the hose; then the bounder at the other end, give it the beans on the tap. That was me. Right in the kisser with a well targeted torrent of gold. How we laughed.

And then again.

I was still dribbling from the mouth after the last batch, when a third torrent of tinkle slapped me straight in the kisser. Hitting the back of my throat this time. Now I know what Fosters tastes like. Although I spent a good few years in Germany, this is the first time a girl has p*ssed in my face. Well, without cash up front.

I was taken aback with the power. How can something so small deliver something that rivals a Karcher power washer? To be fair, with amazing accuracy too. Great grouping skills even without knowledge of the marksmanship principles. I stood with Deb as she laughed in pain, the pair of us giggling like drains.

I see you have constructed your first Shitesabre

Like some bizarre squeezing of some oil paint, you know the stuff that really decent artists use. Slowly but steadily, a dowling rod shaped poo oozed out. This was Gampys first crapola. It was pitch black, I mean really dark. They tell you to expect it but bugger me this was black. Unnerving if you aren’t aware of it.

Something this sinister isn’t right and as if Darth Vader had done a colour swap with his lightsabre. So he would be red, and the lightsabre black. That’s what this was. A Shitesabre. A silk finished, rod shaped poo that was a deep, intense black. It was something from the dark ages.

Black once again with the ill behaviour

Admittedly I was intrigued and interested in what was appearing before me. Try and imagine a pint of Guinness with the head removed, jam packed into a pepparami wrapper, then eased out and I mean slowly deposited, through a hotel door eye piece.

Once again you get to experience how truly amazing the human body really is. Its an incredible machine and this was unruly. Amazingly, there was absolutely no smell and for something that looked like it used to be alive, was now drained of everything; totally mesmerising.

Again, nature had dropped a bombshell, you are told of this but nothing prepares you for it. Just another part of the miracle that is childbirth that, even when you are privvy to it, catches you with your britches down. The was one fly in the ointment though.

Hear the plumber get wicked

I had to put on a new nappy. After much tooing and frooing, Nightingale Nurse assisted me in securing Gampy so there would be no further need to call Dynorod. I was clear and ‘The Geyser of Old Newport Town’ was secured with no further risk to the locals.

It was at that point that I slipped on some errant urine that we had missed on the clean up.

Looking up from the hospital floor, I had a new perspective on the whole situation. A bunch of firsts in such a small amount of time. Immediate circumstances not withstanding, I was quite satisfied. What would have topped the whole thing off is not having the taste of tinkle out of my mouth, and being on the deck in a little bitty piss puddle. Hey ho, you can’t win them all.

*he can’t