—Script— starting off as Louis Balfour – – –

Hello and welcome to Christmas Jazz Club,mmmm festive.

Its featuring my old friend Ricardo De Wonderful….Mmmm Wonderful!

Ricardo has enjoyed a stellar career whilst in the world of Jazz, creating such memorable and bowel moving classics as:

‘fruity vodka foreplay’

‘thats no moon ( closes curtains )’

‘horizontally comatose with a pint and kebab’

and of course the now Jazz standard ‘not the front, round the back’.

One of the finest horn fingerers in the business, he is widely remembered for NOT picking up his lifetime achievement award, when he was found drunk asleep in the hotel lavvy.

Mmm, shiters….

Later on the show he’ll  be performing Jimmy Buffetts ‘Pencil Thin Moustache’ but to an inventive new arrangement. Its a total departure from the original using only an arse trumpet and spoons, moulding around Henry Mancinis Baby Elephant Walk.

Crazy! But nice…..

Ricardo De Wonderful, yessssss.

—— The Real John Thomson ——

Richy, its a pleasure doing this message for you as I’m told you watched the Fast Show whilst serving in the Army, along with some of your long haired friends. 


“Sounds like something out of a James Bond film…..”

—— The Real John Thomson ——

And during that time, it kept you and your mates going. Nice to have been of service.

Richy, although a tough year for us all, its been something of a special one for you. Hitting the big 50 for starters…Mmmmm older.

Then having a baby with your lovely partner Eleonor.  Little Monty ( great name by the way ), is doing really well and I’m told you are superb Father.

Mmmmm, nice one Daddio…

So to you and your family, I wish you the very best Christmas and a jazz tastic Happy New Year….Great!

No, really great!

——— ENDS ———