Train of crapness

I wise man once lamented to me, “If you have to use public transport and you’re over 30 years of age, you have failed in life...” I was beginning to see the logic.






I found myself festering on the popular Bath to Southampton route in the ever so grandious 3 carriage special, “ Aircon sir? Not for me thanks, I like dehydration” and aside from the fact it was hotter than directly passing through a volcano with an overpriced cup of tea, I had to endue the whining tones of the obligatory posh bird that loved the sound of her own voice.


“Oh hello mummy darling, its Elesia, yes I’ve just sooo got to tell you about the party and my dress. I soo totally forgot it and but James the love is going to bring it up from London. Isnt he a sweetie? Yah, well its going to be a frightfully twee party, Mr whippy icecream and a bouncy castle“…. Crazy muthahubards eh?


The conversation goes on in the same vain until she loses her signal and her boyfriend ( looked like a twiglet ) loses interest. However vodaphone being good at their job had her up and running again in no time at all. Bugger.


“Hi Jaaaames, it Elesia, you are such a love. Listen could you also try and bring my bikini for me? Yaaah its black with some nice knurled wooden beads.. From FCUK. Or maybe the one from Snob? Its by the washing machine I think. Okay lovey, I owe you a platter of dried fruit..” By now the carriage was in mirth and Twiglet boy knew that suicide was the only option.


Dried fecking fruit??? Snob??? Delete the ‘S’ and you’re only half way there. Christ church with a bouncy castle and dried fruit its going to be a stonker of party. Hold onto your ‘beads’ love.


As luck would have it we were minutes away from the station and at that point I was cursing her and Vodaphone. If only we had phones the size of the ones that were on offer back in the 80s. Something the size of a house brick would really hurt when shoved up ones ‘tradesmens’.I for one would have paid to see that and have thrown the dried fruit in gratis.